It Matters How This Ends
by Ithinkyoullknxw
Summary: "There are certain things that will find you in this journey of life no matter what choices you make, no matter what road you go down. Sometimes it won't make that much of a difference because your destiny will find you no matter what." A selection of Callie and Arizona one-shots.
1. All I ask

**A/N Set around the time of the next half of season 12! Song is Adele - All I ask. Reviews are incredibly loved and appreciated!**

 _"So why don't we just play pretend; like we're not scared of what is coming next or scared of having nothing left."_

Arizona couldn't remember a time it had rained so hard. She used to love rain. As a child she would stand by her window and listen to the thunder and lightning like it was the most miraculous thing she had ever seen. She was never as mesmerised by anything as she was storms, until Callie. _Calliope._ Now she was gone and storms would never be anything but a bad memory and she had no one to blame but herself.

She had grown up believing that love hurts. That loving people damn right sucks. It took her a long time, it took Callie, for her to realise that love didn't hurt at all. Losses hurt, rejection, mistakes, bitter words thrown in the heat of the moment, they all hurt. But love, the love Callie had adorned on her through all the many, many ups and downs? Well that hadn't hurt at all.

Arizona had been to this apartment, Callie and Sofia's apartment, not hers, never hers. She had been many times either to drop off their daughter or pick her up. Now as she stood in the pouring rain, the sky was darker than it had ever been and suddenly, it all felt different. As though knowing Callie had a new girlfriend made it feel harsh and unwelcoming. Another woman was in her home. It wasn't her home; she'd never even been inside. But Callie was there and Sofia was there and they were _home._

Her feet seemed to move of their own accord. Somehow, on her journey home from work, she'd ended up here. She knew Sofia wasn't home, she was staying with Zola for the night so, _shit,_ she didn't even have an excuse but her legs, one all human and one all not so human, they wouldn't stop walking and eventually Arizona found herself banging desperately on her ex-wife's door, dripping wet. _Damn, at least she won't know I'm crying._

"Arizona?" The smile Callie had been wearing dropped as she saw her ex-wife, it turned to a look of confusion, shock. Worry?

"Do you love her?"

"What?" Utter confusion.

 _"Look, don't get me wrong I know there is no tomorrow. All I ask is if this is my last night with you, hold me like I'm more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use, take me by the hand while we do what lovers do, it matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?_

Arizona's entire body shook, whether from cold or fear or just the mess she'd slowly fallen back into behind closed doors.

"Damn it, Callie! Do you love her?"

"Arizon-" She wasn't given time to finish.

"'Cause I don't think you do, Callie. I mean, maybe you do, maybe I don't know you at all anymore but the way you look at her, it's not how you used to look at me. You used to look at me like I was the only person in the room. Like, like, I put the damned stars in the sky or something and it, Callie, it made me feel like I was floating. Like you'd filled me with so much love that I was floating. And, and I don't know what to do because she calls you Calliope like it's an inside joke and it's, it's not hers! It's mine! I was here first, Callie and Calliope is mine and I just, damn it!" Arizona stopped for breath, wiping her eyes harshly with the sleeve of her jacket and then rubbing her thigh as her prosthetic irritated her skin like it still occasionally did. "I don't know what to do, _Calliope._ I don't know who to run to anymore. I don't know who to run to."

Callie's mouth opened and closed but she couldn't seem to find any words. She couldn't find words that would possibly compare to the rambling speech her ex-wife had poured her heart into and she couldn't move because she was scared if she did she would merely grab her wife, ex-wife, ex-wife damn it, she would grab her by the waist and kiss her until neither of them could breathe anymore and that wouldn't do either of them any good.

 _I don't need your honesty, it's already in your eyes and I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me, no one knows me like you do. And since you're the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?_

"Please, I just, I need something, Callie. Something to put me out of my misery because I'm drowning. I can barely breathe and there's no one there when I wake up at 3am scrambling for air anymore and all I can think of is whether she's with you or holding you or maybe you're at hers and you're sound asleep and then I can't breathe even more." They both stood in their places, Arizona still outside the flat and Callie with her arms protectively around herself, like she was trying to keep her heart in her chest, like if she let go it might actually fall to the floor and shatter at her feet because that's how her insides churned in that moment.

Swallowing back, Callie still didn't say a word but slowly she just walked away from the door. It felt like coming home from Africa all over again except this time, the door stayed open and so did a glimmer of hope.

Callie reappeared with some fresh clothes for Arizona, silently handing them to her before turning her back to the broken woman, knowing she didn't have the strength to watch her undress without doing something neither of them were in a fit state to do.

A short while later, Arizona sat on a sofa that felt so alien and yet smelled like Callie and their daughter and everything she was missing and her heart hurt more than she dreamed it could. Callie sat opposite from her, watching her occasionally and then dropping her head, fiddling with her hands like Arizona did.

"When it's really bad, when I'm alone after work and I'm lying in my bed, there's a space where my leg should be and a space where my wife should be and I just, I turn off all the lights and I pull the covers over my face and I just wish it would all go away. I wish-" Arizona blew out a breath as she tried to steady herself for the things she was about to admit, "I wish I'd died out there."

 _Let this be our lesson in love, let this be the way we remember us. I don't wanna be cruel or vicious and I ain't asking for forgiveness, all I ask is if this is my last night with you, hold me like I'm more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use, take me by the hand while we do what lovers do. It matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?_

Callie's head shot up, a hand to her mouth, "How can you say that after everything, Arizona?"

Arizona almost smiled, except Callie wouldn't call it that, her dimples didn't show, her eyes didn't twinkle and it was so full of agony and bitterness and regret.

"Because what did I live for, Callie? All those months of pain, learning to walk, smile, love, learning to be me again. What was it all for? So I could lose you anyway? So I could go home every night to an apartment that still looks like it did when the last people lived there, a cold, lifeless apartment. So I could see my daughter every couple of nights, so I could watch my wife loving someone else?" She shook her head softly, her voice becoming more raised, "I spent four days fighting every stupid second to just live. To breathe. To get home to you and our daughter and just live and what for?! What the hell for, Callie? If you can think of a reason, I'd really like to hear it because I am broken. And, nothing hurts more than the empty space where-" Arizona tried to speak through the gentle sobs that had slowly overtaken her body,

"Where your leg should be? Is that what you're going to say?" _Damn it, Arizona, it always comes back to the leg._

"Where you should be. I was going to say, where you should be, Calliope."

The time since she'd left Arizona had been tougher than Callie could imagine but she'd thought she was Arizona happy, she thought she was doing well and smiling again and so she didn't look back. She didn't once look back because she couldn't be selfish and now, hearing these words, it hurt more than anything she'd ever felt.

"I would give up my leg all over again to have you back by my side, Callie. I just- I wanted you to know that."

Arizona pulled herself up from the sofa and wiped her eyes. Callie seemed determined not to respond to her heartache and so there was nothing she could do but walk away. "Calliope, I-" She scrunched her eyes closed and kept her back to the brunette, focusing on breathing, "I hope she's wonderful. I hope she makes you feel awesome. You deserve to feel awesome."

Her hand was on the door and she was ready to leave, knowing she'd somehow made things even worse between herself and her ex and now she just looked like a desperate loser who couldn't let go. The problem was, that's exactly how she felt.

"I'm lonely."

Arizona froze at the sound of a broken voice, a voice she hadn't heard speak like that in too, too long. "Even when she's here, even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm lonely Arizona."

Arizona faced her now, her blue eyes wide and, Callie's brown eyes staring intently back at her, "Tonight is the first night in two years that I haven't felt lonely so please-" Callie swallowed back, taking every ounce of strength she had to say the words on the tip of her tongue,

"You know who to run to, Arizona. Run to me."

 _It matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?_


	2. Grace

**A/N: This was originally a single piece but I decided to make it a collection of oneshots instead of posting lots of separate ones! Some will be canon and some will be A/U and they'll be set over a variety of timings, each to a different song or quote. Enjoy!**

 ** _"Nothing comes easily, fill this empty space.  
Nothing is like it was, turn my grief to grace.  
Nothing comes easily, where do I begin?  
Nothing can bring me peace, I've lost everything.  
I just want to feel your embrace."_**

 _My Dearest Calliope,_

 _I hope for once you have listened to me and saved this until_ _the_ _day as I asked you to. I like to think you have. I bet you look, wow Callie, I bet you look outstanding. I can only imagine the dress you have chosen. If you look half as beautiful as you did on our wedding day, then Penny really is as lucky as I already know her to be._

 _Firstly, I am so deeply, deeply sorry for keeping this from you for so long. You were so happy again, Callie and the day I came to find you, to tell you, and I caught you dancing in your hot pink underwear? I knew I had to be selfless for once, I knew I had to let you be free._

 _I thought the worst day of my life was the day you left me, for good. It was worse than Timmy dying, than the car crash and the plane crash and even worse than the night of the storm. We'd made love the night before and I fell asleep with your arm draped over my stomach and I didn't cherish it enough because I didn't know it would be the last time. You never know when it will be the last time._

 _And then last year hit me like a brick in the face. Cancer. And not only did I have an almost impossible to cure illness but also my ex-wife was getting married. That_ _sucked._

 _I was so angry, Calliope. So god damned angry, all of the time. I was so full of this contempt for life again, because I was being left behind. You and Sofia, you have Penny now. She lives in the house we bought together, sleeps in the same bed, mothers my daughter, kisses my wife. And I know, I know that I am Sof's mum and she loves me but I thought maybe all these feelings were because everyone was moving on and I was just stuck, watching from afar and…_ _dying._

 _And then a few months ago, Sofia came home with this big folder of work she'd been doing in class and she wanted to show it all to me. She was, wow, she was so proud, Calliope, she was practically glowing! She showed me this project they'd all been doing in class about their families and she'd written this amazing speech about you and Mark and Lexie and about how her mama had fixed her heart and made her better and how she saved little babies and that's when I knew I wasn't scared about being left behind because my baby girl loves me so much so then I thought well, why am I so sad? Why can't I sleep, why am I crying all the time? Despite the whole, dead in six months thing, of course._

 _And then it hit me. I'm sad because I'm completely, irrevocably in love with my ex-wife and… I'm dying. I'm dying and I'm in love with someone who will never, ever love me back and I couldn't do a damned thing about either of those things._

 _I know now, I won't be alive to see you walk down the aisle again and Pretty Penny should thank her lucky stars because I know I wouldn't have been able to keep my hands off of you a moment longer once I laid eyes on the incredible dress I know you're wearing. God Callie, I bet you look miraculous._

 _Had I been there today, had my body not given me the worst karma of all for all my sins, perhaps I would have been selfish one more time. Perhaps I wouldn't have thought about how I would probably hurt you again and how you deserve so much better. Maybe I would have stood in the room with you while you dressed for the biggest day of your life and begged you not to commit yourself to someone else but to me. I'd have come out in full force with dimples and super magic smiles and love would have poured from my very being because that's how you make me feel, Callie._ _Magical._

 _I have watched you with Penny and I know you love her. Maybe you love her as much as you loved me, maybe more. But I don't think so. I don't think you look at her and see the big love story we had. Because it was, well it was breath taking, Calliope._ _You_ _were breath taking. But I do think she makes you happy and I do think you love her so please, my love,_ _let_ _her love you. You have to be strong for Sofia and for yourself and you have to let Penny be everything I couldn't be for you both even if I was alive._

 _You owe me nothing, Calliope and I know that but there's a few things I need to ask of you anyways._

 _Don't let Sofia forget me. Tell her about me, tell her I loved big and I loved hard and I loved my sweet, sweet girl with every fibre of my being. Tell her I loved her Mamí that much too. Tell her I made mistakes, huge, devastating mistakes and that she will too and that it's okay. Tell her the story of her Supermama when she is missing me, let her remember my love for her was what gave her life and never let her forget it. Remind her she is miraculous and beautiful and smart every single day. Tell her she can be anything she wants and love anyone she wants as long as she is always, always a good man in a storm. And when she cries, when she's missing her mama and her daddy for the big things or the little things or any time at all, tell her we are there. Tell her we are together and we are so super proud of how awesome she is and… always make sure she never stops using the word awesome. It's super cute._

 _Let her know it's okay to cry for me. It's okay to be so sad that sometimes she doesn't even want to get out of bed. Tell her it's okay to be angry, it's even okay to smash things and scream and shout but tell her no matter what, she has to pick herself up, dust herself off and get on with the show. It's what us Robbins' do._

 _Tell our daughter to kickass, Calliope._

 _And lastly, we're on to you._

 _You better cry for me, Torres. You better cry until you feel broken. You better scream and shout too, kick things, throw things, break a few bones. Mourn me. Mourn us. We were wonderful and my biggest regret will always be letting our story end too soon._

 _Think of me often, won't you? Whenever you see someone with blonde hair and blue eyes or when someone says awesome in a bit too perky voice for so early in the morning. Think of me when you see wheelie sneakers and chickens and donuts. Remember how big we loved and how incredible it was. Remember how waking up next to me felt in the good times and how in love with me you were, once upon a time. Remember me for the good I did and not the bad I caused, please. Please Calliope, don't remember me for how I hurt you but instead for how I loved you. How impossibly, completely in love with you I was._

 _So mourn me good and mourn me hard and remember me. But then, you move the hell on. You stop crying every day and store me away somewhere to think about on special days like birthdays and Christmas and maybe our anniversary. Let me go, let me be, let yourself be._

 _Let yourself love and laugh and be free. You so wanted to be free._

 _You best damn well dance in your underwear again, Calliope. I'm looking forward to the free show._

 _I think if Mark had a chance to say his goodbyes as I have been allowed to do, he would tell you again to walk tall. So walk tall, Callie. Walk strong, walk tall and be a rockstar. Be a badass surgeon, an incredible mom and be the woman with the mega-watt smile._

 _Be free._

 _I love you, deeply and truly,_

 _Yours in any way I can be, always._

 _Arizona_

Callie wiped her tears with the back of her hand, pointlessly she knew because an endless stream had left her dulled brown eyes since she'd arrived. Folding up the letter, the brunette held it against her chest as though somehow it made her closer to the woman she was missing so much she couldn't breathe. Her own tears adorned the scribbles on the paper along with the already dried ones Callie assumed her ex-wife had shed whilst writing the heart wrenching words that had torn her insides out.

She tried to calm herself, stop the gut wrenching sobs that were bubbling from her throat constantly but it was relentless. The black, never ending hole, the one she'd found herself in since the woman she knew was the one big love of her life had died as she'd sung her to sleep, was relentless.

Arizona had imagined her brunette superstar, her soulmate, would read the letter on her wedding day. She'd imagine months and months after her death that Callie, her Calliope, would have picked herself up. That she'd read her letter, cry, smile, redo her make-up and then dance hard at her wedding day.

She didn't expect her to read the letter at her graveside. She didn't imagine the surgeon would still be falling apart, a wreck that no one could reach. She hadn't ever let herself believe her ex-wife was still as in love with Arizona as she had been with her. She hadn't known that despite the fact she'd been given a chance to say goodbye hours before the blonde slipped away, she would never forgive herself for not being there in the months leading up to the tragedy.

Arizona would never have known that the day she died, she took the biggest part of Callie with her.

 **A/N I have an idea for a sort of prequel oneshot to this if anyone is interested?**


End file.
